I've survived a battering while pregnat. Fled my home counrty of the (not so Good'ol) U.S.of A. with my child only to have him taken from me and handed over to our abuser. ~~ Just because I was not someone he could control after I left and divorced him, he found the one thing that would hurt me more than death. He took my one and only child from me.
I cant have more children. I have a GENETIC blood disorder called 'antiphospholipid antibody syndrom & Factor V Lieden ( I have thick blood ) I miss carried 9x before I had that one child. And now since the heart attack and being insulin dependant diabetic, my days of making babies are LONG over.
I married a drunk dragon in Ireland. And for 7 years I delt with abuse's beyond what I can speak about. I copped on and made it to a womens shelter. And now I have moved to England through the help of dear friends that knew of my limitations for travel.
I've met and settled in with my partner here in England. He's a wonderful man. He says nice things to me everytime he looks my way. I'm not used to it. But I LOVE it. He tells me this is MY home (OUR HOME). He made me a front and back garden. Full of flowers and produce. He minds me to the point of maddness. Fetching me drinks of water or pushing me in a wheel chair up and down the hills of our town just to pick black berries.
I've left a trail of possessions behind every single step of the way in my search for peace and love. I've learned that stuffed animals, books and bedding can be replaced by items in a charity shop. And recently I've found that memory sticks can hold a lifetime of photos, letters and documents when your computer has to be left behind (due to a drunk smashing it up) ~~
Why do we get attached to ''things''? Yeah, people I can understand, but ''things''? who knows? But it happens. Today I am broke again. I am running out of food and we are on emergency electric right now. So, there goes the last of my jewerly to pay for survival. So, its in black and white and I am still not sure why I sobbed so hard. I waited until he'd left with the gold and silver, before I busted into tears.
Why should I cry? Its only ''things'' very little sentimental value attached to the items. They are just ''things'' after all...? I fee
l fresh now that I've cried it out.. and not volentary tears either.. they just came without warning and stopped just as fast. I dont need a pity party. Not from you or myself. I'm ''grand'' as they say. And it's like a book or stuffed teddy ~~ not doing me any good and making extra baggage for me to carry around. Now we might be able to afford milk or fish or beans. Now for another week we can eat and survive.
I'm house bound today. And for the next few weeks (6-8). He's fallen in a well last Sunday, while we were out picking 'Elderberries' and broke 2 of his ribs. I wont let him push me around in the wheel chair till he's got a note from the doctor stating he's healed up propperly. He's too important and I love him too much to see him in a moment of pain. I have agroaphobia, and I'm contented to stay home with my cane and wheel chair. I feel safer and calmer here.
I have my bell pepper plants in my front window above the window seat he made for me a week ago. I can sit there and watch the world go by and my pepper plants flower up and thrive. My life is good. I have let go again..
It's almost freeing to have the ''things'' removed, forsaken, and disgarded. Less baggage. Less to protect and worry about. Less ''things'' to mind. Leaving me with a new story to start. And start over again ~~ not a problem. I know this song and dance by heart now. I wear blinders for a few weeks or years and dont look to the sides at the things I remember having to let go... and then one day, I find that it's just ''melted away'' and I've lived without those things. I have survived (gawd I hate that word), but, at a basic level I managed to eat, sleep and breath right on through the loss.
Let it melt away, let it go. Was it stolen? was it sold ? was it handed over to someone else? or was it too heavy to carry? Are you breathing? are your eyes open, or your heart still beating?
Yeah, right now, in this moment ~~ my blood sugars are off the charts, I havent had breakfast, and I cant eat because of stress. ''STRESS?'' really?! ugh... how stupid that even when my mind has come to grips with letting go of the ''things'' I just had to sell for food and electricity, my body is still in shock. The tears stopped, but the headache remains, and so does the nausea.
I'll be OK, and I'll be GRAND. I just need some time to adjust and a new pair of blinders. I have 35£ for my jewelery and now I'll have food and power. I'll never be able to replace those ''things'' that I've been carring around with me for years, or the memories of when they were given to me.
I sometimes day dream of winning the lotto and having lovely ''new things''.. But my practical side says ''you dont buy tickets'' & ''live in the now'' . So I'm letting today melt away.
